Real Housewives of Melbourne

Real Housewives of Melbourne: ‘You look like a porn star’ | WATCH

PHOTO: Real Housewives of Melbourne

After four long years, the Real Housewives of Melbourne are finally back, with four brand new cast members joining three returning favourites.

God, so much has happened since the last time we caught up with these ladies: Covid. Lockdowns. The Great Lydia Schiavello Photoshopping Scandal of 2021.

Shout-out to Janet Roach, asserting her rightful dominance by narrating this season’s introduction and wearing this truly hideous pair of sunglasses during the opening credits that you just know cost more than your house:

If there’s an Order of Australia for Services to Real Housewives, Janet should get it

If there’s an Order of Australia for Services to Real Housewives, Janet should get it

First up this season we’re with the lovably eccentric Gamble, and it’s getting all Real Housewives: Uncut up in here as we watch her slip off her silk robe, light a candle, and lower herself seductively into a bubble bath … along with her army of Pomeranians.

I know you’re expecting a snarky remark here and trust me, they will come. However, given my unhealthy obsession for Pomeranians I will just say is this: I speak from experience when I say somebody’s going to get ringworm.

I want what she has

I want what she has

Gamble explains that she speaks fluent Pomeranian, but to this ear it sounds more like when Jesy from Little Mix spoke Jamaican. Gamble clarifies: She speaks to her dogs in an accent that’s part-German, part-Scottish. Oh, to be rich enough not to be institutionalised for behaviour like this.

Next we have a proper check-in with Janet, who says her life has “done a complete turnaround” since we last saw her: Romance, business and family life are all going swimmingly.

“I almost can’t believe it – in fact, I have to keep touching myself to believe it,” she says. Oh Janet, we’re all friends here – who needs an excuse!

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